Lj, FTW.

Decision


                I took a seat on the couch, placing my hands on my lap to hold my legs down. My knees were fighting against my hands, straining as much as they could to start shaking but I wouldn’t let them. My heart was pounding against my chest, feeling like it was going to burst at any moment.  Beads of sweat forming on my hands. I had never been more nervous in my life, yet still, I feigned calm. I refused to let myself get worked up over something I figured couldn’t happen, and the last thing I wanted was Kai to think that I was going crazy over this whole thing regardless of whether or not he would be understanding of it. I knew he would be. But I also knew that the odds were very slim that it would be positive and I didn’t want to freak out in case it was over absolutely nothing. My pride wouldn’t let me.

                Kyle was busy pacing back and forth from the living room to the kitchen. I simply watched him as he walked. His footsteps were unsure, and made a sort of thumping noise as he continued his march. Something like that would have irritated me before. It didn’t now. His Cockatiel had also begun flapping it wings wildly, and the picture of Kyle’s family was somewhat crooked on the wall unit. Those things just didn’t seem to bother me anymore. It was as if every sensory receptor in my body had shutdown. My brain however, was working overtime.

                The thing that was scaring me the most, that kept replaying in my head, was that—I might very well have to make the hardest decision of my life. I already felt so attached to this thing inside me that very likely doesn’t exist, and—if I was forced to kill it, I wouldn’t know what to do. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I murdered something that didn’t even have a chance to start living. At the same time, however, I couldn’t keep it because I would have no way of raising it. It wouldn’t be fair to bring something into the world without the proper means to raise it. The child would leave me unable to graduate from high school, forcing me to keep my job at Value Village pricing women’s clothing for way more than they’re worth. A life of writing down a letter and number on a small white card with the company’s logo on the back is not something I really want to do.

                I was busy staring at the grey carpet with the indents from a recently moved coffee table on it when Kyle came and sat down beside me. I could feel the couch shift underneath his weight, and I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. Taking his hand in my sweaty one, I looked at him. The poor guy was more nervous than I was. He was busy grinning, but that was more because he was nervous, and scared about the outcome than actually being happy. I stared into his eyes and knew I was the luckiest girl in the world because I was going through this with him rather than someone else.

                One thing I know I will never forget, is when we went to our friend’s cabin for May Long Weekend. We weren’t dating then, but we were as close as friends could get. We had spent the evening drinking, and were both lying in the top bunk of our friend’s bed laughing and having a good time. I remember him spending a good 5 minutes trying to explain to me that I wouldn’t fall off the bunk if I rolled over top of him because there was a metal bar in the way.  I kept telling him, “No! I’ll roll over the bar!”, but he refused to believe me. He then decided to demonstrate the situation to me, where I discovered I was completely right and that I could very well fall off and break my neck. But—I didn’t care about who was right or not. I just loved the feeling of him holding onto me, and being as close with him as I was. It was that night that really sparked our relationship.

                Hearing the timer go off on the microwave, we squeezed each other’s hand. Standing up together, we walked towards the hallway. This 10 second journey seemed to take an hour. Time completely slowed down. My heart was pounding harder than before, I had a faint ringing in my ears, and my hand was slipping within Kyle’s grasp. The carpet felt thick under my feet as I neared the washroom.

                I was startled when Kyle abruptly stopped. Feeling the sudden motion, I turned to look at him. His eyes stared deep into mine, his mouth no longer making the upward curve that I loved so much.

“I really don’t want to make this about me, but—I just want you to know that, even though it is your decision in the end, it would ruin my life if you kept it,”        I dropped my eyes from his, once again staring at the floor. Kyle lifted up my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Because--I would be the father of that child, and I would support both of you.”

                I nodded and smiled. I was so lucky to have him. It was at this moment I knew that the test result wasn’t an issue anymore. I knew exactly what I was planning to do regardless of the outcome. And I also knew that my relationship with Kyle would grow so much from the experience alone. Anyone else’s relationship would have crumbled under the stress, but—we stuck by each other. We proved to ourselves our level of commitment to one another, and it was this thought that caused me to smile.

                I gently squeezed Kyle’s hand with my own before taking the final few steps into the washroom.

                I took a seat on the couch, placing my hands on my lap to hold my legs down. My knees were fighting against my hands, straining as much as they could to start shaking but I wouldn’t let them. My heart was pounding against my chest, feeling like it was going to burst at any moment. Beads of sweat forming on my hands. I had never been more nervous in my life, yet still, I feigned calm. I refused to let myself get worked up over something I figured couldn’t happen, and the last thing I wanted was Kai to think that I was going crazy over this whole thing regardless of whether or not he would be understanding of it. I knew he would be. But I also knew that the odds were very slim that it would be positive and I didn’t want to freak out in case it was over absolutely nothing. My pride wouldn’t let me.

                Kai was busy pacing back and forth from the living room to the kitchen. I simply watched him as he walked. His footsteps were unsure, and made a sort of thumping noise as he continued his march. Something like that would have irritated me before. It didn’t now. His Cockateil had also begun flapping it wings wildly, and the picture of Kai’s family was somewhat crooked on the wall unit. Those things just didn’t seem to bother me anymore. It was as if every sensory receptor in my body had shutdown. My brain however, was working overtime.

                The thing that was scaring me the most, that kept replaying in my head, was that—I might very well have to make the hardest decision of my life. I already felt so attached to this thing inside me that very likely doesn’t exist, and—if I was forced to kill it, I wouldn’t know what to do. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I murdered something that didn’t even have a chance to start living. At the same time, however, I couldn’t keep it because I would have no way of raising it. It wouldn’t be fair to bring something into the world without the proper means to raise it. The child would leave me unable to graduate from high school, forcing me to keep my job at Value Village pricing women’s clothing for way more than they’re worth. A life of writing down a letter and number on a small white card with the company’s logo on the back is not something I really want to do.

                I was busy staring at the grey carpet with the indents from a recently moved coffee table on it when Kai came and sat down beside me. I could feel the couch shift underneath his weight, and I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. Taking his hand in my sweaty one, I looked at him. The poor guy was more nervous than I was. He was busy grinning, but that was more because he was nervous, and scared about the outcome than actually being happy. I stared into his eyes and knew I was the luckiest girl in the world because I was going through this with him rather than someone else.

 

(Think of story to insert here.)

 

                Hearing the timer go off on the microwave, we squeezed each other’s hand. Standing up together, we walked towards the hallway. This 10 second journey seemed to take an hour. Time completely slowed down. My heart was pounding harder than before, I had a faint ringing in my ears, and my hand was slipping within Kai’s grasp. The carpet felt thick under my feet as I neared the washroom.

                I was startled when Kai abruptly stopped. Feeling the sudden motion, I turned to look at him. His eyes stared deep into mine, his mouth no longer making the upward curve that I loved so much.

“I really don’t want to make this about me, but—I just want you to know that, even though it is your decision in the end, it would ruin my life if you kept it,”              I dropped my eyes from his, once again staring at the floor. Kai lifted up my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Because--I would be the father of that child, and I would support both of you.”

                I nodded and smiled. I was so lucky to have him. It was at this moment I knew that the test result wasn’t an issue anymore. I knew exactly what I was planning to do regardless of the outcome. And I also knew that my relationship with Kai would grow so much from the experience alone. Anyone else’s relationship would have crumbled under the stress, but—we stuck by each other. We proved to ourselves our level of commitment to one another, and it was this thought that caused me to smile.

                I gently squeezed Kai’s hand with my own before taking the final few steps into the washroom.

 

(Insert Title Here)

By Lauren Basisty

 

                “Are you two ready to order?”

                I glanced across the table at Kai. Meeting my gaze, he silently asked me if I had made a decision  on what I wanted to eat. The truth was, I had known what I wanted since before we walked through the door. We had come to Boston Pizza countless times before for Pasta Tuesday, and every single time I had gotten the exact same thing. This time was no different. For a second I even wondered why he needed to confirm with me that I knew, but I realized he was merely going through the motions. He knew I was ready to order without the need of my usual upward head tilt.

                “Yes, I’ll have the jambalaya fetticuni.”

                “Do you want it baked with cheese?”

                I stopped paying attention to the conversation between Kai and the waitress. I had heard this exchange of words so many times that I really didn’t need to hear it again. To pass the time, I picked our menus up from the table to hand to the girl. There was no sense in sitting around awkwardly while she fumbled to pick them up without accidently knocking our drinks over.

                “Excellent choice, and for you?”

                “I’ll get the homestyle lasanga.”

                “Those are both excellent choices!”

                I handed her the menus thinking to myself, my God, I hope she felt as awkward saying that as I did hearing it.

                After watching her saunter off I turned my attention back to Kai.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                I took a seat on the couch, putting my hands on my lap to hold my legs down. My knees were fighting against my hands, straining as much as they could to start shaking but I wouldn’t let them. My heart was pounding against my chest, feeling like it was going to burst out at any moment. Beads of sweat had begun forming on my hands. I had never been more nervous in my life, yet still, I feigned calm. I refused to let myself get worked up over something I figured wouldn’t happen, and the last thing I wanted was Kai to think that I was going crazy over this whole thing regardless of whether or not he would be understanding of it. I knew he would be. But I also knew that the odds were very slim that it would be positive and I didn’t want to freak out in case it was over absolutely nothing.

                Kai was busy pacing back and forth from the living room to the kitchen. I simply watched him as he walked. His footsteps were unsure, and made a sort of thumping noise as he continued his march. I didn’t hear it though. I was also unaware that his Cockateil had begun flapping it wings wildly, and that the picture of Kai’s family was somewhat crooked on the wall unit. It was as if every sensory in my body had shutdown. My brain however, was working overtime.

                The thing that was scaring me the most, that kept replaying in my head, was that—I might very well have to make the hardest decision of my life. I already felt so attached to this thing inside me that very likely doesn’t exist, and—if I was forced to kill it, I would be deperessed for a very long time. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I murdered something that didn’t even have a chance to start living. At the same time, however, I couldn’t keep it because I would have no way of raising it. It wouldn’t be fair to bring something into the world without the proper means to raise it.

                I was busy staring at the floor when Kai came and sat down beside me. I could feel the couch shift underneathe his weight, and I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. Taking his hand in my sweaty one, I looked at him. The poor guy was more nervous than I was. He was busy grinning, but that was more because he was nervous, and scared about the outcome more than actually being happy. I stared into his eyes and knew I was the luckiest girl in the world because I was going through this with him than someone else. No one else would have stuck around as long as he had, or been as supportive as he had been. If it had been anyone else, I would have been left alone to face this result. But still—if this test is positive, I can either have an abortion, or keep it. And I hoped to god I wouldn’t have to make this decision. I wouldn’t be able to.

                Hearing the timer go off on the microwave, we squeezed each others hand. Standing up together, we walked towards the hallway. This 10 second journey seemed to take an hour. Time completely slowed down. My heart was pounding harder than before, I had a faint ringing in my ears, and my hands was slipping within Kai’s grasp. The carpet felt thick under my feet as I neared the washroom.

                I was startled when Kai abruptly stopped. Feeling the sudden motion, I turned to look at him. His eyes stared deep into mine, his mouth no longer making the upward curve that I loved so much.

“I really don’t want to make this about me, but—I just want you to know that, even though it is your decision in the end, it would ruin my life if you kept it,”              I dropped my eyes from his, once again staring at the floor. Kai lifted up my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Because--I would be the father of that child, and I would support both of you.”

                I nodded and smiled. I was so lucky to have him.

The things I fear include ...

I do believe that the only fear people are born with is the fear of heights. Everything else is self taught. You learn to be fearful of it. Some people aren't afraid of heights, and I think that is because they taught themselves not to be. They got used to heights at a young age, and so they no longer fear it. Of course, I could be entirely wrong. I think my sister told me that information back when I was in elementary. God knows if it's true.

My point is I taught myself, or others have taught me, to be fearful of a bunch of various things. I have a great phobia of failure, humiliation and not being able to understand something. All of these fears were from having a pretty gnarly childhood which--I don't quite feel like going into detail about because it sucks. I can assure you though, that they are all very justified as to why I'm scared of those things. Those are just my serious fears. I'm scared of so many little things too, or--more ridiculous things. I do NOT like paper cuts, they gross me out beyond belief and leave me feeling very goosebumply. Ha ha! That and having my ankles slashed. Oh, cripe-ese it scares me really bad. I first saw that in the movie Kill Bill, and since then my fear has only gotten worse. Then of course, I have a fear of having my throat slit, getting squished (I saw an episode of CSI NY where a guy was squished in between two train freights. GROSS.), falling, or falling and then getting impaled on something. Drowning also sucks.

The thought of being dead scares me too. It never used to bother me back in grade 9. It does now. Why? Because I have so much to live for; so much I want to do.

The moment in my life that I was the most embarrassed ...

I had a hard time coming up with an answer for this one, but I finally settled on something good, that still embarrasses me to this day regardless of how ridiculous it was/is.

This moment in history dates back to my year in grade 2. My class was doing a little game of charades, where we were given a scene and a group of 4 or 5 of us would act it out while others tried to guess the scene or theme. I was in a group with a few other kids, all of which I was pretty close with (as a kid I was friends with absolutely everyone.) and we were talking about if we got the theme of "football". We talked about what each of us would do in the scene and such. The teacher gave us our actual theme of "raking leaves" shortly afterwards, and when it was our turn to go I was pretty excited. Only--I was busy acting out the football scene we created instead of the raking leaves one. I was busy running around and pretending to throw a football while everyone else was busy raking leaves. (I also threw the football on the ground cause I got a touch down.). No one paid any attention to me. They didn't question what I was doing. No one cared. However, I am still ridiculously embarrassed by the whole incident. SIGH.

I wish I could ...

Oh man, there are so many things I wish I could do. I want to be fantastic at everything. It's how I work. I can't be mediocre at something. I have to be awesome at it. And so--I want to be able to do everything. A few examples? Well, I wish I could write with my left hand really well. I've always loved the look of left handed people, and I have always wanted to be able to do that and look as cool as they do. I also wish I could swim. I never learned how as a kid, and now I can't swim and everyone else can and it makes me feel incompetant. Roller blading also falls into this catagory. Knowing how to dance, and do contortion would also be pretty amazing. There is something about being able to do wacky things with your body that makes me want to do weird things. I want to learn everything about wacky bodily movements. One thing I really want to do is go to London at the end of this year. I think it's such a beautiful place, and I would love to venture around there. And--the last 2 things I wish I could have are a dog (or, another one rather.) and a bedroom in my basement. My bedroom is upstairs and it's such a hassle to get there. Not to mention my parents room is across the hall which is sort of annoying.

 

 

SO yesterday I made an impulse buy on a laptop.

The laptop was originally 900 (That's what it says on the website. On sale for 800). And there was an open box thing that was 689. So, I got it.
I put a down payment on it actually. But-- I got the package aswell, which after everything came to 1534.34. (Also a wireless router added onto that.)
Kai kindly told me where I was ripped off a little bit, cause most of the stuff in the package he can do for me for free. So, I am going today to alter my purchase (nothing is set in stone yet.) and also to look at the computer to make sure nothing is horribly wrong with it. If so, then I will just switch it to another one.

http://www.futureshop.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?logon=&langid=EN&sku_id=0665000FS10107496&catid=#


I think it's a good purchase because Kai even said he's jealous of it. :P It's weird though, cause it looks exactly like his.

I will post back here with final purchase information.

I started working at Telesolutions on July 10th, 2008.
I start working at Value Village on July 14th, 2008.


This is just in case I need to know later.

1.Would you chew gum after someone else already has?
Yurr.

2. What song describes your relationship status?
... Uhmm, I don't know?

5. Ever been skinny dipping?
Yeep!

6. Earrings or necklace?
Necklace.

7.Who have you talked to the most today?
Kai.

10. Color of your shirt?
I'm not wearing one.

11. How many years have you taken a language?
... My whole life! =D

13. What color is your background on your computer screen?
It's a sinfest comic. =D

14. Do you wish on 11:11?
Sometimes.

15. Good advice if you ever go camping?
Don't die.
Good advice, not just for camping.

16. Are you a bad influence?
Not at all.

17. What color are your eyes?
Brown and green.

18. Would you rather have your name or your siblings name?
My sister's name is pretty neat.
I like the name Shannon.

19. Would you do anything for someone?
Mm hmm.

20. Have you ever been called a bitch?
Yeep.

21. Ever called someone a bitch?
Yeep.

22. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
=D

23. What song is on?
Nothing.
But For Good is stuck in my head.

24. Are your grades good?
Absolutely!

29. Last time you went out to lunch?
Uhmm--good question. I don't know.

30. Do you watch the Gilmore Girls?
No.

31. Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson?
Who?

32. Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?
No.

33. Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.s?
No.

35. Are you a Lost fanatic?
No.

36. Still have pictures of your ex?
Yes.

39. Do you watch family guy?
Yes.

40. King of the Hill?
Yes.

41. Do you read trashy romance novels often?
... I read Pet Sematary if that counts. Ha ha!

44. Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home?
Yeep!

45. Have you ever watched a little kid's show?
Yeep!

46. Have you ever wished your crush was with you when they weren't?
Yurr.

47. Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in elementary school?
Nope.

48. Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didn't ask her/him out because you were afraid?
Yeep.

51. Have you ever liked someone just because of their appearance?
I'm sure I have.

52. Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis?
Absolutely not.

53. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
... Only sometimes.

54. Have you ever been to South America or Africa?
Nope.

56. Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover?
Nope.

57. Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them in a song?
Nope.

59. When you open your closet, what is the dominant color?
... Yellow-ish white.

60. Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?
... Heh?

61. Physics or chemistry?
BOTH.

62. Earphones or headphones?
Headphones.

63. Pink or teal?
Pink!

64. Earrings or a ring?
Ring.

67. Fly or road trip?
Road, I guess?

68. Starbucks?
... Ew.

69. What is your fav. disney movie?
Fox and the Hound.
Aladdin.
The Lion King.
-shrugs-

70. Whats a quote you live by?
I don't know. xDD I'm sleepy.

Guys, life is changing.

Ha ha! I know, I know. That's pretty obvious. But I mean--it's changing much faster than I would like. Sure, I do have some nice stuff going on. Actually I have quite a lot to be really happy about. I have amazing friends, I'm getting out more, I'm more ambitious than usual, I have a great BF who it feels like I've been dating for years not days, and I'm a lot more sociable in the sense that I can carry conversations with strangers and stuff like that.

At the same time though, life is going really weirdly ... Very descriptive, I know. It's just that so many things are different now from when I was a kid.

I have a perfect example of this, actually. When I was little, I had this one really amazing friend. Her name was Jessica Gibson. I spent every single day with her for 5 years straight (From kindergarten to grade 4.). We did everything together, and I mean everything. She was my best friend. She was very shy, and kind of a follower. But--at the time that wasn't necessarily important to me. I thought we'd be together for a long time. I was ambitious and wanting to do well in everything, and she was that same way. Drugs, smoking and drinking was never really an option for us (of course we were young. :P) We said we would never do those things. Regardless, she moved to BC in the summer of grade 4, and I saw her once that summer and that was it. Haven't seen her since then.

I found out yesterday that she is 6 months pregnant with a little baby girl she's naming Maisie. The father is a 21 yo boy. She hasn't finished grade 9 yet. She's 16 years old. 16. Just slightly younger than me and she's having a baby soon. She's due Oct 13th. Lorie, her mom, says that it's a good thing for her because she is so concerned with the babies health and well being. She's going to go back to school (she never dropped it, just never actually passed.), and after she's done all of that she will be going to a culinary arts school and learn to bake. Which--is good to hear.

The one thing I can't help but think is--if she still lived in Winnipeg, and I had never moved to the GC area--this wouldn't have happened. She would have remained straight-edge (Except for the drinking, I guess. :P) and she wouldn't be hanging around 21 yo boys, she would be in grade 12 right now, graduating with the rest of us ... But, that's not what happened at all. I talked to her very rarely within the past years, and I slowly watched the deterioration in her life. It's just painful because she was a huge part of my life.

My point is, my friends are growing up. Learning how to drive, getting laid, going to university ... I remember a time when marriage and babies was a far off thought. But I've seen people get engaged shortly after high school. These things aren't so far off anymore. Pretty soon it won't only be my friends growing through this stuff, but me as well. One of these days I'm going to be getting married, buying houses and starting a life of my own. I just--I feel too young for all of this to be happening yet. Sure, I still have another year of high school left, plus 4 or 5 years of university, but--these things aren't too far off anymore. That's scary.

I mean, hell, I just spent yesterday talking to my mom and my sister about my drinking and boys and my virginity, and theirs and all that other junk. I'm not used to socializing with them like that. It was a strange experience. I'm not just some young girl anymore--they are treating me like an adult, especially with how they talk to me and the topics of conversation.

Life is changing, and clearly going by very quickly.

The Arts Program is now under my care. Next year I take on the responsibility of all the choirs, bands and drama productions. It's my job to make things brilliant, and I will do just that.

However, the biggest thing for me is--teaching the younger kids the tricks of the trade. I want to make sure they learn as much as they possibly can from me so they grow from that and become even better than I was.

I used to always want a kid from a younger grade to hang onto me and follow me around like I did was Crystal, really. Ha ha! I mean--I learned a lot from her. Clung to her when I needed it, and then finally let go when I didn't need the constant reassurance I felt I needed. And I have always wondered who that was going to be, cause I mean--lots of people had them. I realized yesterday, that all of the kids in the younger grades are mine to teach.

I have to admit--I love knowing I have that responsibility. Watching people like Paul and Ali do this same thing last year, I feel damn well privileged that I get to do the exact same thing. I'm going to be taking these children under my wing and I'm going to make them brilliant at whatever they decide to do. I really am looking forward to telling them stories of past years.

I want to inspire these kids, I want to walk away from this school knowing I taught these children as much as I possibly could.

Actually--now I have a new person to teach. Mr Knight. He's taking on big responsibilities with taking over all of the major choirs at GC, and it's only his second year. So I plan on helping him by just doing simple little things, or even big things if he asks me to, I guess.

Oh man, it's a big responsibility on top of already being in grade 12 but trust me on this, I can handle it, and I will handle it well. :)

Kai says:
yeah, so i think u should just get your answer
Kai says:
now
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
SIGH. Kkay.
Kai says:
of u want it
Kai says:
if*
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
I don't know-- do I?
Kai says:
good question, do u?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
I have no idea.
Kai says:
well, u decide, but i think its ready to be told if u want it
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
Uhmm... depends on the decision.
Kai says:
i dont know what that means
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
If it's a no-- I would rather hear it now. If it's a yes-- maybe tomorrow. But then again, I'll know the answer either way.
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
...
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
So I guess just tell me now.
Kai says:
out of curiousity, why would u want a yes tomorrow?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
Cause it would likely be in person.
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
-shrugs-
Kai says:
well, this is tough, i dont know, u just have to choose when u want the answer.
Kai says:
whats worse; a yes on msn, or a no in person?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
A no in person.
Kai says:
well, u decide then when u want it
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
Now, I guess.
Kai says:
u sure?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
.... I don't know!
Kai says:
well, what do u think the answer is?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
I have absolutely no fucking clue. I have doubts... but I'm also-- just-- agh, I don't know.
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
Lara says no. xDDDD I asked her yes or no, and she said no. So-- maybe I want to hear it tomorrow?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
SHIT. I don't know.
Kai says:
i dont know, u have to decide
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
But but but...
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
How can you expect me to make a decision at a time like this?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
pfffffffttt.... uhmm..
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
Kkay, tell me now.
Kai says:
u sure?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
Yes.
Kai says:
okay im gonna give you 5 minutes to think about this
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
WELL SHIT.
Kai says:
then u tell me if u want to hear it now or not
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
Okkay.
Kai says:
so, u want it now or not?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
I'm not sure. Give me just a few more minutes.
Kai says:
okay
Kai says:
what are you thinking?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
I am thinking I want to know now.
Kai says:
are you sure?
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
-nods-
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
My mind would be in a giant mess otherwise.
Kai says:
okay
Kai says:
well, first off, u know hoe much it means for me to be friends with you. and i know how important that is to you too
Kai says:
how*
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
-nods-
Kai says:
I refuse to lose that friendship, that just cant happen
Kai says:
to have someone who i can talk to about everything is just an amazing thing to have and if i were to lose that, or have less of it, i would be very unhappy
Kai says:
so, i  came to the only logical conclusion i could come too...
Kai says:
If I can have more of that, why the hell wouldn't I? Turning down an opportunity for a relatioinship like that is about as stupid as I could get. So i've decided im not going to be stupid
Lj Web 5.0 - GTT says:
... What?
Kai says:
sorry, that final thing wasnt clear: If I can have more of that, why the hell wouldn't I? Turning down an opportunity for a relatioinship  like that (as in going out with) is about as stupid as I could get. So i've decided im not going to be stupid

Makin' your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those nights when you've got no lights
The check is in the mail
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail
And your third fiance didn't show

Sometimes you wanna go
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
And they're always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You wanna be Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Climbing the walls when no one calls
You've lost at love again
And the more you're down and out
The more you need a friend
When you long to hear a kind hello

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead
The morning's looking bright
And your shrink ran off to Europe
And didn't even write
And your husband wants to be a girl

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
And they're always glad you came
You wanna go where people know
People are all the same
You wanna go Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I drank quite a bit says some people.
I was never actually drunk-drunk.

When I got home I was actually COMPLETELY sober. Even on the car ride back.
Like-- it sucks. I drink what appears to be a lot, and nothing really happens. This is gay.

And it's funny because-- I don't get hangovers.

When I woke up at 9 this morning I felt absolutely fine.
I fell back asleep and woke up at 11:21.
Still nothing. I'm a little more tired than I was at 9, though.



But this is dumb.

One more month of school.


Then I'm in grade 12.
This is crazy.

This is going to take a while to get all of the details I can remember in here.

Okkay-- so on Friday Kai and I went to Bowman's cabin/home-ish place, right? We drove in with his mom. She is one funny lady. On the way there she saw this car that was for sale. It was a nice car. And she said, "That's a nice car. I wouldn't buy it though, but I would fuck a man for it!" xDD And I mean we just met this lady. Kai and I were like, "WHAAT?" It was really funny. Bowman likes to lie a lot. He's a compulsive liar. Now-- when he said this is what his mom was like-- we thought he was lying. xDD NOPE. She does weed and such, too. It was really funny. She was pointing out where her friend lives where she gets good weed from. It was funny. Keep in mind, it was only her, Kai and I in the truck. She was SO funny.

So-- Kai and I are at Bowman's, right? Now-- Bowman's place doesn't have running water. xDD So-- I have to pee in a bag. It was amusing. ANYWAYS. Kai soon had a drink. Which soon turned into two. It was still pretty early in the evening, and Kai didn't want to be the only one drinking, so Bowman's mom made me some vodka, grapefruit juice, and something else. It was very strange. We all stared at the bonfire we had going, mostly silent. I soon finished my drink and was feeling good. Bowman didn't want his rye and coke. He let Kai have some. Bowman likes to make them half and half and Kai didn't really want it. So I told him to pass it over to me and that I would have it. It tasted like shit, but I finished it. Then I got Bowman to make another one of those for me so I had something to drink on the walk we were about to go on.

By the time we were leaving for the walk, my hands were pretty numb. I couldn't quite grasp the cup, and it was amusing. I wasn't drunk yet, obviously. So we started walking around Grand Circle or something like that. And I was pissing myself laughing. Like-- it was funny, I was finally starting to feel it after my second rye and coke. Like-- I couldn't stop laughing, and I mean-- I was laughing at nothing. I don't remember the details of this walk. We went to the beach/park. It was so weird because-- if you looked at the water and the houses far away-- it looked like the water didn't exist and that you would just fall in. I stepped in a little bit, and it felt SO weird.

So anyways-- Bowman, Kai and I played around the water for a bit. We ended up playing at a nearby play structure. It was funny because Kai was complaining that the rings were too low for him. He ended up finding amusement with a near by swing. xDD He walked into it and leaned against it, still walking and it was so funny. At least-- it was at the time.

I finished my drink, and we kept walking. OH! I forgot to mention on our walk to the water, Kai's pants were falling down. He was complaining that he needed a belt. I was like, "Nooooooo.". He then was contemplating just pulling them down. I said, "If you pull them up two more times, you have to pull them down." And so on our walk after the park, he ended up pulling them up twice, and then he had to pull them down. xDD It was HILARIOUS to watch him walk with his pants around his ankles. Like-- I was pissing myself laughing. He pulled them up a little after that cause it was too hard for him to walk. Now-- I don't remember this, but Bowman said that someone came out of their cabin yelling at us to shutup or something? xDD I don't remember that happening.

On the walk back to Bowman's place, we ended up doing quadratic functions. Or at least we tried to. xDD I couldn't even remember what a quadratic function was at that point. It was funny. Once we got back to his place though, we had to pee. xDD And I have to say that peeing is a weird experience when you are on your rag, and have to pee in a bag. It gets even more weird when you walk into the bathroom and the cat is in there and a giant ass worm is on the ground. Managed to go, though.

The rest of what I say will not be exactly in the order that it happened because-- I don't remember the order. I just remember that everything happened at one point.

I don't remember which time it was after peeing, but I ended up coming back at some point having forgotten to do up my pants. It was amusing for a short while. Anyways-- Kai and I ended up trying to do Thriller in the yard of Bowman's. It was a good time. Uhmm-- Kai and I ended up grabbing a beer each. It tasted like shit. So Kai ended up sharing it even though he said not to let him drink any more. Uhmm-- now-- somehow Kai's pants were falling down again, and so he just took them off. I ended up joining him for God knows what reason. And some how my shirt came off, too. Funny how that happens. Now-- somehow this all escalated a bunch. It ended up that Kai was shirtless, and somehow that was supposed to mean I should be topless too. Bowman even took his shirt off. xDD And so-- I ended up taking my bra off. Which is funny now that I think back on it.

And-- eventually I put it back on. I ended up telling Kai that I would wear his pants and he would wear mine. I don't remember why I said that, but it didn't end up happening. We did Thriller again in our underwear, this time. And then we ended up sitting around the bonfire talking about breasts, and how Kai respected women. xDD Which was really funny. Then we talked about his past relationships and Kaylee. All good things. I'm proud of him. He's a good person.

Anyways-- he ended up looking up at the stars and said "Oh-- the stars are beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful." About 20 times. And while that was going on, we were putting ashes on our legs, getting ourselves so dirty. Like-- it was disgusting. Then we felt up his leg muscle... I don't quite know why. We also made a video of our experience trying to see if Bowman's mom was awake which ended up not even being what it was about. xDDD Then I drank more, and Kai ended up falling on the ground laughing, xDD I was damn near pissing myself laughing, and I fell over too. And sometime after that we were by the fire, I burnt my hands a little, and when we stood up I touched his bum and it was hilarious. Well-- at the time it was.

We ended up going into the house sometime after all of this. (I am probably missing a LOT of stuff about what was said, but it's fine because Bowman has it all written down and I will add things when I think of them.) Kai and I ended up going up to the top bunk together, which is only a single bed, both in our underwear. xDD Separate blankets, mind you. Anyways. We laid there giggling and laughing at nothing for the LONGEST time. xDD I mean, he was pretty much cackling in my ear and I was like-- pissing myself laughing.

Kai spent like-- 5 minutes trying to explain to me that if I rolled over top of him, I wouldn't fall off of the bunk even though I CLEARLY would end up rolling over the metal bar too. Anyways. I ended up needing more to drink, so I went to get stuff. I ended up coming back with chocolate covered sunflower seeds. I went back up to the top bunk and asked Kai if he wanted any. He said yes, so I offered him my hand and he ate the seeds out of it. xDD It felt like I was feeding a goat at the petting zoo or something. xDD Whatever Kai didn't eat I offered to Bowman. He ate them.

A while after that, I said again that I needed more to drink, so I went to get some. I ended up coming back with the entire bag of chocolate covered sunflower seeds. xDDD

We ended up sleeping right through the night. Kai woke up with a hang over, and I woke up with a slight one. My head just felt heavy, like there was a brick in it. Nothing painful.


ANYWAYS. That is my very first drinking experience.
Kai said countless times throughout the night, "No regrets. You aren't allowed to regret anything. It's no fun that way."
I mean-- he said it like-- 20 times, at least.

And-- I don't. I don't regret anything that's happened. 

Everything is different now.

This is exactly what I didn't want.

Lauren is coming back Sunday.

BANFF WILL BE EXCITING.

And thanks for everything Crystal!

My besties are Crystal, Jessica, Dj and Kai. BETTER BELIEVE IT.
We're BFFs!



ANYWAYS. Miss me! <3

This is driving me nuts. Absolutely nuts.

But-- the moment I say it out loud or admit to this-- it just makes it all the more real.
Even if I type it out-- it's suddenly true.

I think I can hide it. I can. I mean-- you have someone now, so what difference does that make? The moment I admit it-- my whole life will change and I know it.

It's best if I don't say anything even though I want to tell someone what I'm thinking-- I just can't do it. I can't admit to it. I have to hide it, and that's the truth.

It's just funny-- cause you'll never know what I'm talking about.

Edit -----

Actually-- I don't even know what this is. I don't know.
I can't tell if I'm attracted to you, or what-- I just really don't know.
Like-- I'm confused. I don't get it.
Just-- all the more reason to keep my mouth shut.


BUT IT'S SILLY.
Cause I want to say it, but I can't because-- I can't. The moment I do, it becomes a problem, and it becomes real, and it becomes something I need to deal with.
I want to say it-- but I just can't.

I decided to post something because I haven't been writing for quite a while already.

So--- playfest is amazing.

Everyone is brilliant. And I love it.

Friday should prove to be interesting. I'm going to have my entire love life in the room and my mom just may be there.
Ha ha--- oh man!